Coffee, Tea, Guns and Knees...

The smell of coffee is taunting me. My coffee maker is so slow and LOUD! I swear to god it gurgles and rasps and splutters like you'd never believe. I'd get it an iron lung if I didn't have instant to fall back on.

I do prefer my tea though. Tea makes the world go round. Tis the Fountail Of All Goodness. The Drink Of The Gods. The Divine Beverage. Cod Liver Oil For The Soul Only Far Better Tasting. Perhaps that is why the coffee maker makes the offensive noises it does, perhaps the gurgling is really profanity in coffee maker speak, and it it telling me of it's contempt for my favouring the teapot.

Come to think of it, when was the last time I used a teapot? Do I even have a teapot? I must scour the kitchen sometime in search of this elusive tea making utensil. I vaguely remember one, I think it was brown, or beige. Does it matter though? So long as I have a kettle and some teabags all is right with the world.

But I digress... I prefer tea, but occasionally the unfettered need for pure caffeine overrides the good sense of my tastebuds. And right now, I need coffee. The damn coffee maker however is making things difficult.

The old War Injury is acting up. I may call it the War Injury, but really, a bit of a knackered knee and my leg refuses to work, how pathetic. I scorn my right knee and all of it's contemporaries, namely the Anterior Cruciate Ligament, the the Posterior Cruciate Ligament, the Tibial Collateral Ligament and the Tibial Plateau, all of which are plotting to undo me. The swines.

Other than that my life is a cesspit of unadulterated boredom. Here I sit, in the corner seat of the leather sofa, propped up via a mountain of green cushions, watching some sort of home makeover programme and refraining from beating myself into unconsciousness. How did my life descend into this? I had a life once, friends and men and money and GUNS! Guns for christ's sake, SA-80s and the lark, MP-433s and other forms of deadly weapons. And a bayonette. My life was all sweat and dirt and laughter for a brief while, and now I'm getting fat through lack of physical exercise, watching daytime TV with my leg propped up on the pillows.

Ah tis a sad life for one who had fallen so far from grace. Then again, I was never that close to grace to begin with. Satan's had a room booked for me since the day I was born, there's nowhere for me to fall.

Except for off the sofa, where I am invariably going when I make the attempt to reach the kitchen and kick some sense into the spluttering coffee maker.

Fanfic, men sex, mwah

I have just spent the day pissing my pants! I went for a merry jaunt around fanfiction.net and was caught in the snare of the funniest story I have ever read! Okay, so it was a snarry fic, but once I got over the squick and laughed until my ears bled I decided that mebbe I could learn to like the fandom...

Snape... and no coffee! Oh the hilarity! Snape walking into doors, Snape muttering nonsensically to Dumbledore, Snape telling his students to make tongues! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm gonna go back and read it!

My unhealthy obsession with fanfiction is all Shell's fault! She introduced me to the medium when I was an innocent fourteen year old. Back then it was all Buffy Buffy Buffy with her and she was convinced Willow should be shagging Spike so naurally she had to rely on various unhinged individuals to cater to her desires via the net.

Oh and how it all went downhill from there.

Then the Jedi Apprentice books came out and suddenly Obi Wan was shagging Xanatos all over the internet and I found myself salivating. And so my thirst for yaoi was born, but back then it was just good ol' plain slash and I could pretend I was just curious.

The Dragonball took over my life and sudenly Goku was shagging Vegeta (when he wasn't shagging me in my dreams) and then came Saiyuki and the dreaded 93 relationship (WHICH IS PRACTICALLY CANON PEOPLE!) closely followed by Naruto (SasuNaru, they belong together) and Final Fantasy (Cloud and Sepiroth, *drool* and occasionally Sepiroth and the KFC dude... don't ask...) and so naturaly all of the Ann Rice vampires are screwing each others brains out (including Claudia in some instances which just weirds me out since I can't wrap my teeny brain around chan) and Jack and Daniel love from Stargate is just toooooo adorable to ignore.

Am I forgetting any???

Remus/Sirius (Tonks who?) Hakkai/Gojyo (a pair of nineteen year olds living together, and we all know Gojyo is a hopeless slut) Legolas and anything, the elf is just too hot! I can barely stomach twincest (although some of the fics I've read have been quite hot) but I draw the line at Blackcest, my beautiful Sirius would NEVER shag Regulus, never in a million god forsaken years! And as for the rest of the family... please, I might be able to hack Sirius/Andromeda but I'm a yaoi bint so really... how does that fit into my head???

And if anyone comes anywhere near me with Obi/Qui be prepared to die a horrible death because it is just. plain. wrong.

However I have taken a fancy to ObiMaul which turned my world upside down for about five seconds before I stumbled over sithacademy and proceeded to cream my pants between passing out from fits of giggles. Sith cats and Jedi hamsters and happy farms happy pills and Dartha Stewart and sex over the bonnet of a car and jedi in kilts and "Sith do not use fabric softener" oh the joy!

And yes, now that I have rightened myself I shall scurry away to re-read that fucking hilarious fic I mentioned earlier. And because I am in a lewd mood I will share a lewd pic even though I will be burnt at the stake...

BAM!

Oh I'm goooooood! Say g'bye to the pornish pixie, I'm off!!!!!!

Feathered Agents of Satan!

I am not a morning creature. So why, why under god in heaven am I awake at stupid-o-clock??? I'll tell you why! I surfaced to the land of the living at the crack of dawn, as I am wont to do since the Army permanently fucked me up. But since I no longer have to crawl out of bed at such an ungodly hour to march across the drill square or oil any rifles I usually just roll over and go back to sleep. However, today my brain decided to screw me over. I lay there, wide awake, wracking my grey matter in an attempt to remember the name of the lead vocalist of Good Charlotte. Why???? I don't bloody know! All I know is that I couldn't get back to sleep until I remembered, so I lay there eyeballing the ceiling thinking "James? Jake? Jack? John?" until I surrendered and got out of bed.

His name is Joel by the way. In case you were wondering. And now that I have recalled this snippet of useless information I am as awake as a caffeinated meerkat and utterly peturbed!

And the sun is smiling and the birds are singing and GAAAAAAA!!!!! Only a creature of utmost evil is cheerful this early in the morning! Now excuse me while I go and strangle the bluebirds chippering in my garden. Die, feathered agents of satan! DIE!

TO HIS FRIEND IN ELYSIUM

So long you wandered on the dusky plain,

Where flit the shadows with their endless cry,
You reach the shore where all the world goes by,

You leave the strife, the slavery, the pain;

But we, but we, the mortals that remain

In vain stretch hands; for Charon sullenly

Drives us afar, we may not come anigh

Till that last mystic obolus we gain.

But you are happy in the quiet place,
And with the learned lovers of old days,

And with your love, you wander ever-more

In the dim woods, and drink forgetfulness

Of us your friends, a weary crowd that press

About the gate, or labour at the oar.

Joachim Du Bellay, 1550

My penchant for morbid poetry really isn't an insight into my character; I'm really quite upbeat. Honest. But I am a shallow bitch, so it takes something rather depressing to affect me in any which way, thus the need to recite classical gothic poetry. I was going to shove The Raven by Poe in here, I know it off by heart, the rythmn and rhyme sort of etch themselves into your brain, but I couldn't be bothered with such an epic. Make do with Du Bellay.

Mwahahahahaha! How I do love the juxtaposition of morbid poetry with randy bishonen! I am sick! *snicker* I bet Mr Du Bellay is spinning in his grave!

In other news... Liverpol is in the final! GET IN MOTHER FUCKER! No big surprise like, since the 'Pool rocks the casba, just thought it deserved a mention. W00t!

Emotional sadism...

I cannot say, and I will not say
That he is dead. He is just away.
With a cheery smile, and a wave of the hand,
He has wandered into an unknown land.
And left us dreaming how very fair
It needs must be since he lingers there.
And you- you, who the wildest yearn
For the old-time step and the glad return-
Think of him faring on, as dear
In the love of there as the love of here;
Think of him still as the same, I say;
He is not dead-he is just away.

James Whitcomb Riley (1849 - 1916)

Why do I always prefer poems that make me sad? Perhaps I am an emotional sadist.

Even My Dreams Are Twisted...

THAT'S IT! No more Harry Potter for me! I had the most disturbing dream last night, involving Remus Lupin, Sirius' mother, and a bathtub. No... get your head out of the gutter, it wasn't that kind of dream, but nonetheless it was rather unsettling.

I am treating myself to a night on the tiles tonight. Ok, so Maxims isn't exactly an upper class tile, but it serves alcohol and I plan to get smashed. I am going to conveniently forget that I used to go to the exact same place as a fifteen year old for fear that I may be regressing. In a week I'll be drooling and crawling around on all fours. Wait... I already do that.

There is a yellow rose on the mantel piece and I don't know how it got there. Hmmm... yellow roses mean friendship... can't be for me...

How does one put weight on their wrists? I have no desire to develop any podge but I have the forearms of a six year old, and the veins reall really stick out... I suppose it would be helpful if I were a heroin addict but alas... I don't get my jollies out of needles. It's really beginning to bug me, if I hold my hand up I can almost see through my arm, and my hand looks massive, but that's only cause my wrist looks like a toothpick. Somebody put me into proportion!

Anyway, more importantly... what shall I wear tonight? I know, such a female question, but it needs to be addressed because I am a lazy bastard and I am also depressingly indecisive. Come midnight I will still be sitting here typing away because I am to lazy to get off my pretty little arse and shave my legs and I will probably need a good solid three hours to choose and outfit. Black always works, especially for Maxims, but... do I want to blend in or stand out. This needs to be addressed before I can be dressed.

Fuck it, I'll go in my pyjamas, then I'll be ready to fall into bed and prepare for my hangover as soon as I get home. Yeah, that's a plan.

I also haven't posted any yaoi pics in a while (snape/harry cannot count as yaoi) and I feel the need to remedy this, if only because the one person I know who reads this thing gets freaked out by boys rubbing up against other boys:

Hee hee hee hee! SasuNaru!

I have far more hardcore pics, but I fear for the anklebiters, and I fear for myself when the anklebiter's parents hunt me down with pitchforks. It comes to something thought, when I'd rather ogle drawings than photos... but the imagination is so much better than real life! At least I understand that I am mentally ill and can accept it with all the aplomb I can muster.

Perhaps later I will post a more hardcore pic, if I muster up the courage.

And now... piece de la resistance...

SEITEN TAISEI!

Nuff said.

Harry Potter? Severus Snape? Hot Sex? *vomit*

I am taking a break from this vicious cycle of self torture. I am (for some reason) reading the Harry Potter books in reverse order. After just getting over Sirius' heartwrenching death I now find myself immersed in PoA and I'm contemplating the kitchen knives in a very unhealthy manner.

I hate tragic heros of any kind. They all make the bottom lip go all aquiver.

In some need of Sirius shaped comfort I went for a wander around the Sirius LiveJournal communities and fell (completely by accident) upon a Snape/Harry fic.

SCARRED. FOR. LIFE.

I am a rabid Yaoifangirl, but there are some things that squick even me. I mean, come on... Snape and Harry???? O_o

I feel ill. Okay, okay, so I continuously pimp the 93 relationship from Saiyuki when alot of people view it as incest (it's NOT! Goku is NOT Sanzo's son! Goku is 500 years OLDER than Sanzo for fuck's sake!) so I may be acting slightly hypocritically. But still...

Harry having sex... SEX... with Snape! Using potions as lubrication and doing things with a wand that would make Voldemort whimper. Do you think if I shove soap far enough up my nose I'll be able to wash my brain?

In other news... it is likely that Prince Harry will face a battlefield ban. Yes, random of me I know, but I was swelling with national pride not long ago knowing that the fitter of the two princes (in my opinion) was willing to go to the front line with the troops. I realise that he would more than likely attract insurgent attacks and all that but the idea of a royal putting his blue blooded arse on the line had me all atwitter.

Atwitter??? Is that a word???

Also, my mates are all going on holiday and I can't. No dosh. No fair. Where did I put those kitchen knives?

Saying that, I did just buy a ridiculously expensive ticket to go see Carmen in November. But even if I hadn't decided the opera deserved a visit from yours truly I still wouldn't have had enough pennies. I need to find a rich older man, marry him, then wait for him to kick the bucket. I'd have no trouble shaging a wrinkly arse if it meant a few million, I have no scruples.

As it is, I'm just gonna pull on my boots, go find good old reliable Alex, shag him senseless, steal his wallet, and take my corrupt self shopping. I am evil, but the bastard will forgive me since he has a blind spot where I am concerned. Besides... he's loaded and I'm skint.

Ten points if you know who this is.

No?

Ok, I'll tell you. Tis a young Gary Oldman *wibble* therefore a young Sirius Black. I felt the need to justify my attraction to Mr Oldman. This is my justification.

I'm sorry. I had to. It's just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. *shudder*

Going to go scourgify my brain now.