The Battle Of The Conservatory...

There is a mutant fly holed up in the conservatory. It looks like the offspring of a bluebottle and a spider, and is approximately the size of a kitten. I haven't been able to go into the bloody conservatory all day, and wouldn't you just know it, my cigarettes are in there.

I tried to reclaim my fags earlier. The mutant immediately went on the offensive and tried to scalp me. I'm afraid for my life. If I attempt to open the door then the monster makes an immediate beeline for the living room at mach three. So far I've been able to keep the thing from the rest of the house, but I can only go so long without fags.

I am currently wondering how to open up hostage negotiations with a mutant bluebottle. Make no mistake, the fly is holding my cigarettes captive. I can see it through the glass, surveying it's territory from the safety of the coffee table, occasionally scouting the area for any small mammals to digest. I'm half expecting it to spark up one of my fags and lounge on the chair, puffing away with a supreior grin on it's bloodthirsty features to goad me into entering enemy territory.

It must have gotten in through the window, which is only open a crack, and the mutant is the size of my arm from elbow to wrist so the bugger would have had a tight squeeze to get in. Makes me think it had the whole debacle planned. It has an objective, I'm sure, and is just waiting for me to open the door and drop my guard. I've been forced onto the defensive, but my cigarettes are suffering as prisoners of war and I can't leave them behind, there's about fifteen cancer sticks awaiting rescue and my artillery consists of a can of bug spray and a rolled up newspaper. The bug spray will probably do me more harm than the mutant, it looks like it has been genetically engineered to resist all chemical attacks. As for the newspaper, nothing short of a lead pipe would bruise that demon in there, a rolled up newspaper will probably just piss it off and then the cigarettes will be executed before my very eyes before I am eaten for dinner.

I could go to the shop and buy more fags. Only I'm poor, and there's the principle involved. That there is MY conservatory, and those are MY fags, I will not be evicted from my conservatory by a mutant bug, no matter how big and mean looking.

This calls for drastic measures. There's no time to call for backup, so I'm going in solo. But if all hell breaks loose, the mutant had better watch out, I'm bringing in Shino...

Yeah, all the Naruto fans know what I'm talkin' 'bout! Shino would kick mutant bluebottle's freaky ass!

However, Plan A involves shinguards and elbow pads, a parker stuffed with newspaper for extra padding, a cycling helmet, swimming goggles, a pair of marigolds, a frying pan and a hockey stick. Operation "nicotine rescue" commences at seventeen hundred hours. Wish me luck, and if I don't make it, tell my mother that I love her, and to avenge me with bug spray and a fly swatter.

Cleaning Toilets...

I need to find a job. I'm am rapidly running out of funds, pretty soon there'll be nothing keeping me in fags and chocolate and I'll be royally screwed. The only problem is that I'm a lazy bastard and I don't want to have to work. At least I'm honest.

I've been perusing the job centre's website for any interesting job vacancies (perusing, funny word that) and I'd rather poke my eyes out with a fork than be a cleaner. A cleaner, I ask you! I went to uni (for a while) I joined the Army (also for a while) so if the great bastard who calls himself God reckons I'll bend over like a good little bitch and start cleaning shitty toilets then he's in for a big fucking shock.

Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much more available, I've done the whole barmaid bid and am bored with it, I've been a waitress and I have no desire to work in telesales since I'll end up scalping someone over the phone. I do not do well with pissy customers, if someone's mean to me then I'll be meaner in return. So selling insurance over the phone will not go down well if anyone tries giving me abuse. I'll get the sack after five minutes, I'm not a people person.

I also do not wish to work in a factory since I associate factories with my parents and I'll be damned if I'll allow myself to turn into my mother! But I need some sort of income until I am permitted to go back to shooting people. I am poor. Help me.

Does anyone know of any jobs where all I have to do is sit there and look pretty??? I could do that no bother! Mebbe I could be a nude model in an art class, how much would that pay? I could sell my drawings like the dossers in Paris who mooch around under the Eiffel Tower with their grotty pictures out on display, only where would I hang around in this shitty little town to sell pictures???? Mebbe I'll write a book, but that takes time and I'm poor now goddamnit!

There's always prostitution, but I'm too expensive for any of the mingers around here.

Suppose I'll have to clean toilets after all. Erm... no, I think not. Perhaps I could run away and join the circus, I can use poi, I can be a clown or a ballerina who jigs about on the back of a pony. Does anyone know where I can find a circus???

I should just give in and get an application form for MacDonald's shouldn't I. God life is depressing. I could always rob the nearest bank. My next post will probably be from prison, but they give you food in jail and I won't need to worry about employment. Hmmm... that sounds like a plan.

I wonder how may bitches I could accumulate. Cause heaven knows if anyone tried to make me their bitch They'd be the ones cleaning toilets, with their fucking faces until someone figured out how to pry their heads out of the toilet bowls. And really, freedom isn't all that fantastic, not if your as poor as a church mouse and your ovaries hold you in contempt.

Prison it is then, might as well make a meal of it and commit murder. Lemme see, who do I hate enough to kill??? Aha, Ewan McGregor's wife! I dislike the french anyway.

Don't tell her I'm on my way, I think the element of surpirse would be useful.

Toodles. X