Cleaning Toilets...

I need to find a job. I'm am rapidly running out of funds, pretty soon there'll be nothing keeping me in fags and chocolate and I'll be royally screwed. The only problem is that I'm a lazy bastard and I don't want to have to work. At least I'm honest.

I've been perusing the job centre's website for any interesting job vacancies (perusing, funny word that) and I'd rather poke my eyes out with a fork than be a cleaner. A cleaner, I ask you! I went to uni (for a while) I joined the Army (also for a while) so if the great bastard who calls himself God reckons I'll bend over like a good little bitch and start cleaning shitty toilets then he's in for a big fucking shock.

Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be much more available, I've done the whole barmaid bid and am bored with it, I've been a waitress and I have no desire to work in telesales since I'll end up scalping someone over the phone. I do not do well with pissy customers, if someone's mean to me then I'll be meaner in return. So selling insurance over the phone will not go down well if anyone tries giving me abuse. I'll get the sack after five minutes, I'm not a people person.

I also do not wish to work in a factory since I associate factories with my parents and I'll be damned if I'll allow myself to turn into my mother! But I need some sort of income until I am permitted to go back to shooting people. I am poor. Help me.

Does anyone know of any jobs where all I have to do is sit there and look pretty??? I could do that no bother! Mebbe I could be a nude model in an art class, how much would that pay? I could sell my drawings like the dossers in Paris who mooch around under the Eiffel Tower with their grotty pictures out on display, only where would I hang around in this shitty little town to sell pictures???? Mebbe I'll write a book, but that takes time and I'm poor now goddamnit!

There's always prostitution, but I'm too expensive for any of the mingers around here.

Suppose I'll have to clean toilets after all. Erm... no, I think not. Perhaps I could run away and join the circus, I can use poi, I can be a clown or a ballerina who jigs about on the back of a pony. Does anyone know where I can find a circus???

I should just give in and get an application form for MacDonald's shouldn't I. God life is depressing. I could always rob the nearest bank. My next post will probably be from prison, but they give you food in jail and I won't need to worry about employment. Hmmm... that sounds like a plan.

I wonder how may bitches I could accumulate. Cause heaven knows if anyone tried to make me their bitch They'd be the ones cleaning toilets, with their fucking faces until someone figured out how to pry their heads out of the toilet bowls. And really, freedom isn't all that fantastic, not if your as poor as a church mouse and your ovaries hold you in contempt.

Prison it is then, might as well make a meal of it and commit murder. Lemme see, who do I hate enough to kill??? Aha, Ewan McGregor's wife! I dislike the french anyway.

Don't tell her I'm on my way, I think the element of surpirse would be useful.

Toodles. X