The Battle Of The Conservatory...

There is a mutant fly holed up in the conservatory. It looks like the offspring of a bluebottle and a spider, and is approximately the size of a kitten. I haven't been able to go into the bloody conservatory all day, and wouldn't you just know it, my cigarettes are in there.

I tried to reclaim my fags earlier. The mutant immediately went on the offensive and tried to scalp me. I'm afraid for my life. If I attempt to open the door then the monster makes an immediate beeline for the living room at mach three. So far I've been able to keep the thing from the rest of the house, but I can only go so long without fags.

I am currently wondering how to open up hostage negotiations with a mutant bluebottle. Make no mistake, the fly is holding my cigarettes captive. I can see it through the glass, surveying it's territory from the safety of the coffee table, occasionally scouting the area for any small mammals to digest. I'm half expecting it to spark up one of my fags and lounge on the chair, puffing away with a supreior grin on it's bloodthirsty features to goad me into entering enemy territory.

It must have gotten in through the window, which is only open a crack, and the mutant is the size of my arm from elbow to wrist so the bugger would have had a tight squeeze to get in. Makes me think it had the whole debacle planned. It has an objective, I'm sure, and is just waiting for me to open the door and drop my guard. I've been forced onto the defensive, but my cigarettes are suffering as prisoners of war and I can't leave them behind, there's about fifteen cancer sticks awaiting rescue and my artillery consists of a can of bug spray and a rolled up newspaper. The bug spray will probably do me more harm than the mutant, it looks like it has been genetically engineered to resist all chemical attacks. As for the newspaper, nothing short of a lead pipe would bruise that demon in there, a rolled up newspaper will probably just piss it off and then the cigarettes will be executed before my very eyes before I am eaten for dinner.

I could go to the shop and buy more fags. Only I'm poor, and there's the principle involved. That there is MY conservatory, and those are MY fags, I will not be evicted from my conservatory by a mutant bug, no matter how big and mean looking.

This calls for drastic measures. There's no time to call for backup, so I'm going in solo. But if all hell breaks loose, the mutant had better watch out, I'm bringing in Shino...

Yeah, all the Naruto fans know what I'm talkin' 'bout! Shino would kick mutant bluebottle's freaky ass!

However, Plan A involves shinguards and elbow pads, a parker stuffed with newspaper for extra padding, a cycling helmet, swimming goggles, a pair of marigolds, a frying pan and a hockey stick. Operation "nicotine rescue" commences at seventeen hundred hours. Wish me luck, and if I don't make it, tell my mother that I love her, and to avenge me with bug spray and a fly swatter.