Fanfic, men sex, mwah

I have just spent the day pissing my pants! I went for a merry jaunt around fanfiction.net and was caught in the snare of the funniest story I have ever read! Okay, so it was a snarry fic, but once I got over the squick and laughed until my ears bled I decided that mebbe I could learn to like the fandom...

Snape... and no coffee! Oh the hilarity! Snape walking into doors, Snape muttering nonsensically to Dumbledore, Snape telling his students to make tongues! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm gonna go back and read it!

My unhealthy obsession with fanfiction is all Shell's fault! She introduced me to the medium when I was an innocent fourteen year old. Back then it was all Buffy Buffy Buffy with her and she was convinced Willow should be shagging Spike so naurally she had to rely on various unhinged individuals to cater to her desires via the net.

Oh and how it all went downhill from there.

Then the Jedi Apprentice books came out and suddenly Obi Wan was shagging Xanatos all over the internet and I found myself salivating. And so my thirst for yaoi was born, but back then it was just good ol' plain slash and I could pretend I was just curious.

The Dragonball took over my life and sudenly Goku was shagging Vegeta (when he wasn't shagging me in my dreams) and then came Saiyuki and the dreaded 93 relationship (WHICH IS PRACTICALLY CANON PEOPLE!) closely followed by Naruto (SasuNaru, they belong together) and Final Fantasy (Cloud and Sepiroth, *drool* and occasionally Sepiroth and the KFC dude... don't ask...) and so naturaly all of the Ann Rice vampires are screwing each others brains out (including Claudia in some instances which just weirds me out since I can't wrap my teeny brain around chan) and Jack and Daniel love from Stargate is just toooooo adorable to ignore.

Am I forgetting any???

Remus/Sirius (Tonks who?) Hakkai/Gojyo (a pair of nineteen year olds living together, and we all know Gojyo is a hopeless slut) Legolas and anything, the elf is just too hot! I can barely stomach twincest (although some of the fics I've read have been quite hot) but I draw the line at Blackcest, my beautiful Sirius would NEVER shag Regulus, never in a million god forsaken years! And as for the rest of the family... please, I might be able to hack Sirius/Andromeda but I'm a yaoi bint so really... how does that fit into my head???

And if anyone comes anywhere near me with Obi/Qui be prepared to die a horrible death because it is just. plain. wrong.

However I have taken a fancy to ObiMaul which turned my world upside down for about five seconds before I stumbled over sithacademy and proceeded to cream my pants between passing out from fits of giggles. Sith cats and Jedi hamsters and happy farms happy pills and Dartha Stewart and sex over the bonnet of a car and jedi in kilts and "Sith do not use fabric softener" oh the joy!

And yes, now that I have rightened myself I shall scurry away to re-read that fucking hilarious fic I mentioned earlier. And because I am in a lewd mood I will share a lewd pic even though I will be burnt at the stake...

BAM!

Oh I'm goooooood! Say g'bye to the pornish pixie, I'm off!!!!!!

Harry Potter? Severus Snape? Hot Sex? *vomit*

I am taking a break from this vicious cycle of self torture. I am (for some reason) reading the Harry Potter books in reverse order. After just getting over Sirius' heartwrenching death I now find myself immersed in PoA and I'm contemplating the kitchen knives in a very unhealthy manner.

I hate tragic heros of any kind. They all make the bottom lip go all aquiver.

In some need of Sirius shaped comfort I went for a wander around the Sirius LiveJournal communities and fell (completely by accident) upon a Snape/Harry fic.

SCARRED. FOR. LIFE.

I am a rabid Yaoifangirl, but there are some things that squick even me. I mean, come on... Snape and Harry???? O_o

I feel ill. Okay, okay, so I continuously pimp the 93 relationship from Saiyuki when alot of people view it as incest (it's NOT! Goku is NOT Sanzo's son! Goku is 500 years OLDER than Sanzo for fuck's sake!) so I may be acting slightly hypocritically. But still...

Harry having sex... SEX... with Snape! Using potions as lubrication and doing things with a wand that would make Voldemort whimper. Do you think if I shove soap far enough up my nose I'll be able to wash my brain?

In other news... it is likely that Prince Harry will face a battlefield ban. Yes, random of me I know, but I was swelling with national pride not long ago knowing that the fitter of the two princes (in my opinion) was willing to go to the front line with the troops. I realise that he would more than likely attract insurgent attacks and all that but the idea of a royal putting his blue blooded arse on the line had me all atwitter.

Atwitter??? Is that a word???

Also, my mates are all going on holiday and I can't. No dosh. No fair. Where did I put those kitchen knives?

Saying that, I did just buy a ridiculously expensive ticket to go see Carmen in November. But even if I hadn't decided the opera deserved a visit from yours truly I still wouldn't have had enough pennies. I need to find a rich older man, marry him, then wait for him to kick the bucket. I'd have no trouble shaging a wrinkly arse if it meant a few million, I have no scruples.

As it is, I'm just gonna pull on my boots, go find good old reliable Alex, shag him senseless, steal his wallet, and take my corrupt self shopping. I am evil, but the bastard will forgive me since he has a blind spot where I am concerned. Besides... he's loaded and I'm skint.

Ten points if you know who this is.

No?

Ok, I'll tell you. Tis a young Gary Oldman *wibble* therefore a young Sirius Black. I felt the need to justify my attraction to Mr Oldman. This is my justification.

I'm sorry. I had to. It's just wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. *shudder*

Going to go scourgify my brain now.